Go and Sin No More...

I sit in my messy room at 3:35 am unable to sleep due to the thoughts racing through my head. My room is sort of symbolic of my life right now. Messy.

Let's just say last night, I had a setback for that old comfortable road. I say setback because it could have been worse.

I woke up in turmoil...felt like the best place to be was God's house, church. I listened to the music, tears poured from my eyes, my heart heavy with guilt.

The day felt like it dragged again, because I thought I was dealing with the grieving process of comfort, pain, and desire so well, but clearly I was wrong. I have no where left to go but on my knees praying just for hope. I keep telling myself, "don't let this get you down, just brush yourself off and get up." But how many times do you have to say that before you just get so shattered with hurt that you just can't help but to feel disappointed with yourself. The person you have become.

If I'm being completely honest, I'm heartbroken and don't feel much like coming to God for help. It's not because I don't think he can help me, but because I feel so ashamed at myself for depending on myself to make me happy. How could I be so dumb to think that little ole' me could possibly know what makes me happy.

I'm here at the foot of the cross, asking for Forgiveness. I keep hearing the voice of God saying "Go and sin no more." That is my only option. Never has the word of God been so relevant in my life when the Bible says " for the wages of sin is death." Because I'm feeling so low this AM that I couldn't possibly describe it in words. I'm expressing my confusion and frustrations in a blog that probably only 1 or 2 people will read.

One thing I've always liked about myself is my ability to be honest about my mistakes. Some people may not agree with me (ie. my brother), however I admit when I've messed up.

I'm here at this laptop and typing away on the computer to ease my guilt. The only way I am ever going to be strong again or have joy in my life is to simply say " Yes, I have screwed up with the life that God has given me so far, but it is okay. Accept that you cannot change the past no matter how much you want to. I know the consequences of your actions are rough, but God is here to forgive you, love you, and heal the hurt that you are facing. Let it go."

I feel like I can't move. I'm stuck in this awful place of desire. I never really thought that desire could shake up your entire existence. I'm here to testify that it does.

Things that must change if I ever want to live a life of joy.

1. Stop and listen to God's voice.
2. Remember that my life is not my own.
3. Love myself and understand that no other person on the entire earth could fill Jesus's space.
4. Start going to AA meetings.
5. Stop looking, searching for ways that i think can make me "happy." It isn't the way. God will place the people in my life that are required to be there.
6. Do things that I love with the intention of love.
7. Let the past go, forgive myself just as God has forgiven me.
8. Stop letting my emotions guide me.