Be still, and know that I am God...

The definition of heartbroken is as follows:

"Suffering from or exhibiting overwhelming sorrow, grief, or disappointment."

Although that pretty much sums up the feelings of heartache, no amount of words could truly describe it. It's like your normal day feels like it's a marathon...laughter is far and in between...and you don't feel like its possible to ever open yourself up again. The Bible says "even in laughter the heart is sorrowful"- Proverbs 14:13

I'd like to think that after you go through whatever it is that brought you this heavy burden you come out a much stronger and better person.

The only step you can take is the faith method. But not just faith that you will get it right the next time, but knowing-like-you-know that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed nothing could be impossible for you.

I've been praying without ceasing for the past 2 weeks and had a major set back this weekend.

I don't think there ever has been a time where God was speaking to me so clearly in the most quiet voice saying " Go and sin no more." The reason I'm in this grieving process is because I completely placed an idol before God over and over again, and was stupid enough to think that I am smart enough to know what makes me happy.

Galatians 6:7-8 says "Be no deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap live everlasting"

So here I am at the foot of the cross reaping my corruption. I'm asking for forgiveness and praying without ceasing that I'll overcome.

Time...

Ecclesiastes 11:4 "If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done"

Go and Sin No More...

I sit in my messy room at 3:35 am unable to sleep due to the thoughts racing through my head. My room is sort of symbolic of my life right now. Messy.

Let's just say last night, I had a setback for that old comfortable road. I say setback because it could have been worse.

I woke up in turmoil...felt like the best place to be was God's house, church. I listened to the music, tears poured from my eyes, my heart heavy with guilt.

The day felt like it dragged again, because I thought I was dealing with the grieving process of comfort, pain, and desire so well, but clearly I was wrong. I have no where left to go but on my knees praying just for hope. I keep telling myself, "don't let this get you down, just brush yourself off and get up." But how many times do you have to say that before you just get so shattered with hurt that you just can't help but to feel disappointed with yourself. The person you have become.

If I'm being completely honest, I'm heartbroken and don't feel much like coming to God for help. It's not because I don't think he can help me, but because I feel so ashamed at myself for depending on myself to make me happy. How could I be so dumb to think that little ole' me could possibly know what makes me happy.

I'm here at the foot of the cross, asking for Forgiveness. I keep hearing the voice of God saying "Go and sin no more." That is my only option. Never has the word of God been so relevant in my life when the Bible says " for the wages of sin is death." Because I'm feeling so low this AM that I couldn't possibly describe it in words. I'm expressing my confusion and frustrations in a blog that probably only 1 or 2 people will read.

One thing I've always liked about myself is my ability to be honest about my mistakes. Some people may not agree with me (ie. my brother), however I admit when I've messed up.

I'm here at this laptop and typing away on the computer to ease my guilt. The only way I am ever going to be strong again or have joy in my life is to simply say " Yes, I have screwed up with the life that God has given me so far, but it is okay. Accept that you cannot change the past no matter how much you want to. I know the consequences of your actions are rough, but God is here to forgive you, love you, and heal the hurt that you are facing. Let it go."

I feel like I can't move. I'm stuck in this awful place of desire. I never really thought that desire could shake up your entire existence. I'm here to testify that it does.

Things that must change if I ever want to live a life of joy.

1. Stop and listen to God's voice.
2. Remember that my life is not my own.
3. Love myself and understand that no other person on the entire earth could fill Jesus's space.
4. Start going to AA meetings.
5. Stop looking, searching for ways that i think can make me "happy." It isn't the way. God will place the people in my life that are required to be there.
6. Do things that I love with the intention of love.
7. Let the past go, forgive myself just as God has forgiven me.
8. Stop letting my emotions guide me.

Filled with all the fullness of God...

Have you ever felt like you were on an endless journey, but no matter what you heard a long the way or sometimes even felt in your heart, you can't seem to turn around or go in a different(not always the "right") direction.

I'd say I'm in the process of just switching courses. Scary? Yes and No. One thing I've learned so far in my 24 years of life is that I'm so incredibly stubborn. I reach a point where I have no choice but to turn around on the current path I so desperately needed to be on or completely hit a wall with a sign on it that says in big bold bright letters " HEY DUMMY, YEAH YOU, IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? WELL, HERE YOU GO, ENJOY" And yes that could seem a little harsh, but I don't really think so, because I should have learned my lesson a while ago, I just was too stupid to just listen to God's voice and especially my inner peace. So that's where the No comes in...it's like I have no other option but to not be scared. I'm young and if I'm still here on earth it means I have a lot of life ahead of me and God is definitely not finished with me yet. That's one of the best things about being young is knowing all these great, wonderful things are going to happen...they just have too right? I'm not completely in denial about the horrible things that could and probably will happen, I'm well aware of that, but somehow I just know better things are on the way!

Now on to the yes...why it is scary. I was so comfortable...breathing life into my insecurities for so long, I feel lost. The new path seems so long...the start of something that could indeed be just as bad as the next one if I just make one wrong turn. God works his love on me and simply says "it gets worse before it gets better." Getting through the worse has always been the hardest part for me. I stand in my own way.

Not this time. I kind of feel like I'm finally ready to know how it feels to completely put a road block on that dirty, non peaceful, and untrue path. How will I ever know if I don't take the stand to move on?

I've only taken a few steps in this new direction...but so far so good:) Update in a few months.

I'll leave you with these words of scripture that I've been studying all morning. Don't just read it...meditate on this, study it until you completely understand/ get it. Because I'll tell ya, that is some POWERFUL STUFF.

Ephesians 3: 12-21

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Last a lifetime...

While my blood is pumping and energy is flowing through my morning workout, I've discovered how much I enjoy listening to Joyce Meyer on the TV while doing so. It's like my morning dosage of joy. It never fails, she always says something that leaves me totally inspired. For example, what stuck with me this morning was "Christians need to stop having one foot on the world and another foot on God. We should fully commit to God saying 'I do' and accept the victory that is waiting on us" (paraphrasing). I feel better as I'm walking out the gym doors, ready to start my day. And then. As the day goes by, I lose it.

It got me thinking about how young in my faith I really am. How I still have so much more I need to learn and accept.

I accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was 7 years old, however I didn't really understand everything about what I had done until I was 18. Some might argue that I truly didn't become saved until then. However, my point is: Have I progressed since then?

I think in many ways I have. For instance, when my mother was sick and unable to do anything for herself, my faith was tested. It was brought to new heights, possibly to heights no one could ever really understand. I felt with everything in my heart she would be healed and just relied on Him, ignoring my flesh thoughts of how it seemed impossible. I knew that God had everything under control no matter how helpless I felt. I studied Romans 4 over and over.

"Abraham didn't focus on his own impotence and say, "It's hopeless. This hundred-year-old body could never father a child." Nor did he survey Sarah's decades of infertility and give up. He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said. That's why it is said, "Abraham was declared fit before God by trusting God to set him right." But it's not just Abraham; it's also us! The same thing gets said about us when we embrace and believe the One who brought Jesus to life when the conditions were equally hopeless. The sacrificed Jesus made us fit for God, set us right with God" (Romans 4:19-25).


Of course now I see things differently, I feel like God wanted my family to go through the "fire" so we could spend that time together before my mom went to Heaven. God only knows.

I've been through countless incidents where I felt like I've grown in my faith, as well as things I could have handled better.

I feel like I'm still missing the mark in a way that I'm putting up with so much less. I read scriptures, but I really need to STUDY it until I GET it. I struggle with certain areas of sin and don't set an example for others. I'm nice to others, but I sometimes don't go the extra mile like the Bible informs me to do. And, so much more.

How can I make my "morning joy" last a lifetime?

Victory IS waiting.